So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
