I'm gonna have a badass scar
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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