guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
