Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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