he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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