I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
