I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
