I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
