I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
