Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
