When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
