I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
