My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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