apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
