everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
