I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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