seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
