Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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