Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
