I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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