i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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