he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Less talking, more tequila
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
