I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
