He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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