I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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