So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You're like the curious george of whores
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
