If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
