Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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