Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
