i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
