I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
