Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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