I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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