Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
