i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
