Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
