shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
