Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
