Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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