Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
