Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
this boner is exhausting
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
