Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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