nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
