shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
