My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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