woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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