Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
