i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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