Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
