i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
