I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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