JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
