dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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