Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
